Long-distance relationships require commitment, patience and a rich imagination.  But love can grow and thrive--even if it has to travel far.  Here are some do's and don'ts about how to make your long distance relationship a success.  These skills are especially important now because one partner might be serving time in the military or have to move away from home for a job. 

Don'ts

1. Don't let expressions of love dominate your e-mails, letters, text messages or phone conversations. Yes, it is very important to tell each other how much you miss and love each other, but creating virtual shared experiences is just as important.

2. Don't argue. Of course, you must settle disagreements, but there shouldn't be a need to quibble over trivial issues..

3. Don't do too much multi-tasking when you're communicating with your partner. Your voice and possibly your words will transmit a sense of distraction.

Do's

1. Write letters.  Letters are keepsakes.  They look more intimate and they expand and deepen your connect by giving you a chance to write out your heart-felt thoughts.  The email format looks cold and invites terseness.  Letters are especially good for expressing to your partner your views and needs, especially if the issue is a "hot topic."  Letters allow both the writer and the reader to calm down, re-read and think.
Be sure to review your letter to make sure that you would like to receive a similar letter.  Pay attention to your tone and choice of words.

2. If you've had a disagreement or if you need to make a decision here are some ways that might help you manage them together:

  • Make a chart of Pros and Cons.  Write down your thoughts in each column for each idea or choice.
  • Pretend you are your partner and you are writing a letter from your partner's viewpoint. Then ask your partner if you "got his or her position right."  As you write, you will become more empathic and less critical or reactive to your partner.  Ask your partner to do the same. 
  • Then, re-connect and use your new understanding of each other solve your problem.

3. Create virtual dates.  If you go to an event that is important to you or that is one that you two have shared in the past, you could use instant messaging about updates such as: "He's singing our song.  It reminds me of the time we went for that first long walk."  Or, "The party has the usual suspects-Aunt Mary is wearing that loud plaid dress again!"

The goal is to build memories and emotions that bring you closer together. The brain actually does NOT distinguish between real events and virtual, imagined ones!

3. Have virtual sex. Yes! Talk about the last time you were together-or what you'd like to do! Just because there's distance between the two of you, doesn't mean there can't be a bit of intimacy.

4. Hang out with your partner virtually.  For example, watch the same television show either at the same time or talk about it as soon as possible.

5. Make sure you write or discuss experiences that are important to you.  For instance, if you saw a beautiful sunset, got into a disagreement with a co-worker, watched your child take her first steps, be sure to describe it-not just report it.

6. Include children and other family members on the phone or in live chats. Keep the family connection alive. Again, just don't report that Jr. got an A, have your child describe the experience: "I couldn't believe it when the teacher put my paper face down on my desk. I thought maybe I did something wrong. But then I got an A+." This will create a feeling of being in the moment rather than apart from it.

7. When you are actually together, try to establish a mix of time as a couple, experiences with friends and family and time alone. You might have work things to do, so don't necessarily ignore them. The more you can make your hours and days resemble real life, the better you'll be at problem-solving, balancing life, love and work, decision-making and being your true self. Long distance tends to make time together too precious and therefore artificial.

8. And yes, always end with "I love you and miss you."