Like most revelations about the rich and famous, the news about Tiger Woods' early morning car crash on Friday, November 27, 2009, and alleged extra-marital activities can turn the best of us into scandal junkies. We like--and don't like--to see prominent people falter. When they misstep, our reactions are complex. At first, after the initial shock, disappointment deepens into a small, yet potent, private despair. A person who earned our respect and admiration has deceived us and threatened our universal needs to trust and believe in something or someone.
Our disenchantment and anxiety devolve into the more easily tolerated gallows humor of quips and double-entendres, but by the time we've heard the same joke too many times, our dismay turns into the calm of democracy: "If someone like Tiger Woods can fail, then it's okay for me to fall short of perfection, too."
But this skewed self-acceptance is the wrong lesson to take away from Tiger's woes. The speculations about him may never end, but a more productive response is to learn about marriage and cheating. Here are some thoughts and tips that move us away from headlines and laughter to life lessons.
1. Make a commitment to commit. Don't move in, get engaged or married until you view your partnership as a wise, secure and mutual loving decision.
2. Know why you are choosing this particular person at this time. Be careful of rushing a relationship. The death of a loved one, financial struggles, ill-health, escape from a bad family life or ageing are amongst the most common reasons why we hasten love. If it's a good match, it will stand the test of time. Women who are approaching their biological clock are especially vulnerable to falling head over heels in love--and acting against their better judgment.
3. Love someone through good times and bad. When the going gets tough, a warm body feels extra good. But be careful; those loving arms might turn out to feel like an anchor when your situation improves. It's understandable why the rich and famous worry whether their new partner will love them "in sickness and in health," including financial decline. Test-drive your relationship through thick and thin times.
4. Treat your partners as you would like them to treat you. The Golden Rule is not a worn-out saying.
5. Maintain self-respect. This lesson is the other side of the Golden Rule coin. When we retain our sense of personal dignity and regard, we are less likely to hurt our loved ones.
6. Know your warning signs of trouble, and don't minimize them. We all have ups and downs in life, and our reactions can be frightening, confusing and overwhelming. Learn from your past responses. For example, do you tend to get depressed, drink or spend too much or lose your temper too quickly? Or do you fool yourself with denial when you stray into the dangerous waters of convincing yourself that you are "just having a quick drink or bite to eat with someone repeatedly, so what can be the harm in that?"
7. Ask and tell. Problems don't have to have a long life. As soon as something is bothering you, tell your partner. And as soon as you sense that something is bothering your partner, ask what's wrong and how can you help. This simple advice puts the brakes on denial. Choose your "relationship poison:" Rock the boat now or spend more time being unhappy and vulnerable to doing stupid things.
8. Become solution-oriented. Don't play a game of history where you go back and forth over who said what. Always move forward toward plans A, B, C and more.
9. Get professional help. If your solutions don't result in productive change, get strong, wise and brave and seek professional help. Only cowards avoid looking at their situation.
10. Be honest with yourself. Don't play games with yourself by "re-defining" your problem, unhappiness or behavior. For example, cheating takes place first in your longings and tempting of fate, flirting and definitions of what is acceptable. Self-lies not only erode you but the world around you as well--a lesson that Tiger Woods is now painfully learning.
