When your ex finds love, gets engaged, married or moves in with someone else within months of your break up, your ex could be dealing with emotional issues that are--and were--beyond your influence. It's a tough truth to accept, but an ex's new love does not have to conquer you.
The following explanations are the most common reasons why exes find love so quickly and tips to get you moving in the right direction.
Reason 1: Your ex couldn't let go of the hold that Mommy and Daddy had over him or her.
Because people often don't understand their own behavior, they make decisions based on unresolved or unknown issues from their childhood. Feeling "chemistry" and comfort with someone can stem from good reasons as well as bad ones.
Altering our acceptance of our family role models and emotional rules is a difficult but necessary task of adulthood. However, to change the impact of one's past, he or she must first understand how his or her family functioned.
And maybe these tasks were just too difficult for your partner, and your mate relapsed and repeated a relationship more like the unhealthy ones that your ex previously chose or experienced in his family.
Replace your self-blame with this thought:
Our relationship didn't work because my ex couldn't ___________ (fill in the blank with the following choices or add your own): Resolve issues with his Mother or Father, Change his family's expectations, Be his or her "own person"
Reason 2: Your ex was seeking, and found, someone who's more "in step" with them.
People in their late twenties or early thirties might choose one type of relationship and then, when their career/work/income become more stable, they might want different things in life from a relationship.
Career development is taking longer, especially for men, and they might not feel ready to make a commitment to marriage or family. The result is you feel a "disconnect" in values and relationship direction.
Replace your self-blame with this thought:
Our relationship didn't work because my ex wasn't ___________: Ready to make a commitment, Finished with schooling or career stability, Experienced enough in being on his or her own in life
Reason 3: Your partner had serious problems such as rage, depression or addictions and didn't want to face them.
At first, you might have minimized your ex's degree of difficulty in overcoming these crucial issues. Or, you might have thought that love and support would help your mate triumph over them. But one day you wake up and realize that your partner's problems ran deeper than they initially appeared. After a while, your ex might have sensed that it was time to break up because he or she just couldn't succeed in the relationship.
Replace your self-blame with this thought:
Our relationship didn't work because my ex couldn't ___________: Face serious problems, Stop blaming me, Sustain healthy behavior and get professional help.
Reason 4: You and your partner couldn't resolve key issues such as religion, whether to have children or differences in ethnic culture or race.
Love can be very blind in the beginning. You feel so good about yourself and your partner that you might assume that if you cared about each you'd be able to resolve just about anything. Or you might have thought that you would "work it out later." Then "later" came and your partner broke up. It may not be pleasant to learn, but not all religious, cultural or lifestyle issues can be resolved.
Replace your self-blame with this thought:
Our relationship didn't work because my ex couldn't ___________: Find a way to be more flexible, See my side of the issue, Separate from his family's scripts and expectations
Reason 5: Your ex could not accept or get along with your children--or couldn't manage the serious problems of his or her own children.
Marital research continues to reveal that having children decreases mutual happiness and increases discord in step-families. If you or your partner each has children, work out your issues now. Move slowly in the beginning--closeness and trust don't happen overnight. Tell all the children that they don't have to love the new person, but they do have to be kind. Never accept a partner's abusive or disrespectful behavior to your children.
Replace your self-blame with this thought:
Our relationship didn't work because my ex couldn't___________: Be more of a parent to his own children, Couldn't stand up to his or her ex, Didn't want or know how to get close to my children
