Typically, we're inundated with TV shows and movies suggesting only men are the ones who complain about lack of intimacy from their partner. However, it's equally as frustrating for a woman whose husband has no or little interest in sex. Especially in a society in which many wives seem to complain about their lack of desire for intimacy with a spouse, a woman who wants more intimacy (and is getting less) from her husband can experience a low self esteem and wonder if something is wrong with her.
The wife who feels that she's "starved" for sex may withhold her feelings and not open up to anyone, even her closest friends, about what she sees as her unique and even embarrassing situation. But holding feelings in and not airing them doesn't help the relationship, and doesn't make her feel any better.
Here are some of the issues that a wife whose husband doesn't seem to have the same sex drive may be dealing with.
1. She thinks it's her fault. It's common for a woman to believe this, but it is simply not true, says Mary Jo Rapini, LPC, a psychotherapist. "Up to 30 percent of men can't get or keep an erection," she says. "And men won't go to the doctor for help. The woman thinks it's her fault and they start fighting. Of course, that doesn't help."
2. She may masturbate without telling him. And that's a good idea, Rapini says. "I encourage women to find other ways to get pleasure," she says. "A lot of women can orgasm clitorally. They don't need a penis." Besides masturbation, she recommends that a woman ask her guy to please her in other ways, perhaps with sex toys or oral sex.
3. She might covertly read explicit materials--or even romance novels. "It can be like a substitute for sex for some women," Rapini says. "I'm seeing a lot of women using pornography."
4. She may start sexting. "It's really big with the over 40 crowd," Rapini says. "They may go on Facebook and start sexting someone they meet." It's not a good idea, she says, adding that this can be very harmful to a marriage.
5. She may think it's odd if she has a higher sex drive after menopause than she did before, and not want to share this, says Judy Kuriansky, Ph.D., author of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to a Healthy Relationship." It's hard for a woman to know whether she'll have a lower or higher sex drive after menopause, but both are perfectly normal, Kuriansky says. Neither should be a cause for concern.
6. She may have unstated, unresolved problems with her husband that are not being aired, Kuriansky says. "These can take the form of disputes and deep-seated resentments between the couple that can contribute to the withdrawal of sex," she says. It's a good idea to get everything out on the table by scheduling regular couple time together.
7. She's upset by the fact that her sex drive seems higher than her husband's. It's important to realize that everyone has a different sex drive at different times of their lives. "Make a chart of your own sex drive, and see if it is related to anything else that's going on in your life," Kuriansky suggests. Very often, the desire for sex goes up or down depending upon life circumstances. Also, keep in mind that sex drive can be channeled into something other than intercourse. "Think of your sex drive as energy," Kuriansky says. "And use that energy in other ways, by having physical contact and physical intimacy with your husband, but not necessarily intercourse."
